The memorandum copied below was found in a White House restroom near the office of John Kelly. The discovery of the document was the product of a leak necessitated by a rare overtime press briefing by Ms. Sanders.
Fr: Stephen Miller, John Bolton, and Steve Bannon
Re: National Security Plan
We have been meeting and discussing the future of the United States since prior to the November 2016 election and now are prepared to offer you a set of National Security measures to guide the nation in the foreseeable future. These steps must be taken during the summer of 2018, before the November 2018 midterms.
Under your most recent pronouncements regarding national security and international trade, commerce, and economics, we are of the opinion that your statements and leadership, particularly about returning Russia to the G-7, have normalized the actions of V. Putin in annexing Crimea and invading Ukraine. These events have created the ideal platform for the Trump Doctrine, most recently incorporated in “We’re America, Bitch!” (WAB).
In light of this, it is now time to annex Canada and Mexico. This action will have tremendous benefits, both within the hemisphere and worldwide.
The authority for these actions is contained within the Monroe Doctrine of 1823, which Mr. Bolton will brief you and Melania together with WAB. Believe us, these measures catapult the US to its proper station in international affairs. Concurrently, upon announcement of this policy, Mr. Pompeo is to be directed to organize the WHA (Western Hemisphere Alliance) to rival and replace NATO. It is expected that some Central and South American nations may initially resist, but all are likely to join over time. Because the hemisphere has been declared flat, you are well situated to proclaim that all nations in the hemisphere [including Cuba] are on an equal footing.
It is essential that you address the nation to the effect that, based upon the absence of biblical language, the western hemisphere is, in fact, flat. This position leaves the remainder of the planet in the position of proving differently. At the same time, in order to draw the 550 million evangelicals around the world to your mission, Sam Brownback, our international ambassador for religious freedom, will predict the Second Coming or rapture to cause millions of followers to flock to Israel and displace the Palestinians. Middle East peace will prevail, completing yet another campaign promise. Jared formulated this portion of the plan.
- The annexations obliterate the Clinton welfare system of NAFTA, delivering another campaign promise.
- The annexation of Mexico will dissolve the illegal alien and immigration debate, since current residents of Mexico would now be under the jurisdiction of the US. Undocumenteds presently in the US, including DACAs, could be counted in the census for purposes of enforcement of the Voting Rights Act, as announced by AG Sessions.
- Mexico’s southern border with Guatemala is only 541 miles long, compared with the 1,954-mile border between Mexico and the US; billions in border wall savings inure to the Treasury, not to mention reduction of border patrol agents and related costs and bad press, e.g. children’s shelters.
- Annexation of Canada will leave Prime Minister Trudeau speechless, and no longer able to stab you in the back.
- Vast stretches of northcentral and northwestern Canada are to be designated homeland territory, as recognition of all white nationalists for a country to call their own.
- The G-7 membership would decline to 6, opening a wider opportunity for the reentry of Russia.
- MAGA will be repurposed to Make All Geese American; Canada Dry beverages and Canadian bacon will be banned by the FDA.
- Another feature of WHA you are to announce is hemispheric reciprocal trade free of tariffs.
We have already begun colluding with Vladimir Putin to secure a statement from him that annexation was inevitable because Canadians speak American and the violence in Mexico required intervention to secure the border. AG Sessions, in an effort to please you, has drafted a plan to send all DACAs and the 11,000 children in captivity to Japan, in keeping with your “kidding for real” comment to Shinzo Abe about sending 25 million Mexicans to Japan. There is biblical justification for this, and with Sheriff Joe Arpaio in charge of the program, a coup de grace for our administration.
Bannon guarantees that the 2018 midterms will occur in complete chaos and overwhelmingly favor alt-right Republicans, stoke up your 35% base, and set a predictable course for your reelection in 2020 and beyond. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is preparing a propaganda program to ensure your Nobel Prize for Peace. With virtually all Asian nations in another hemisphere, they can work out or not their nuclear and trade issues. We recommend that Dennis Rodman be appointed Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Asian Nations.
Many people say that a flat western hemisphere will also mean that our production capacity will be much closer to China, decreasing trade costs such as transportation. A number of your economic advisers will strongly support an infrastructure project connecting Alaska to Russia by tunnel and bridges to establish ties that bind. Sarah Palin can be appointed to oversee the operation from her vantage point in Wasilla. This will boost her profile for a potential Vice Presidential slot should Pence continue his parrot posturing in appearances with you and require being installed as ambassador to WHA.
All in all, Mr. President, a big and beautiful thing.